"windadvisory" (windadvisory)
12/03/2016 at 12:46 • Filed to: None
3
10|
"windadvisory" (windadvisory)
12/03/2016 at 12:46 • Filed to: None | 3
| 10 |
Did your startup just get bought? Are your tech bros buying Teslas, or Lamborghinis or Ferraris or Maseratis, or brand new Porsches, while you’re more of a programmer cog who shuts up and ships code and doesn’t know if he’s Ryan Lochte enough to freestyle down that urine soaked lane? Because Tesla batteries die, owning an Italian muscle car is like dropping
soap
in front of Guido the prison mechanic, and a new Porsche — while
teutonically
gorgeous in a Claudia Schiffer kind of way — is going to hemorrhage value until you sell it in a few years. If you want to dominate startup-sellout culture while remaining true to your Steve McQueen self and not losing money, here’s what you do: you keep your current car for commuting and get a sweet Zuffenhausen classic just for weekends and those poseur startup events with all the tech
starfluffers
so that when the VC’s pull up next to you in the parking lot they’ll be looking at you with that look that says: “I need to have a Cobb salad over at Buck’s with that free-thinking
muldoon
and find out what he’s all about.” Something handmade and gorgeous, something likely to hold or go up in value — something like this sweet-as-blackberry-strudel collector-quality Porsche Carrera 911 Cabriolet with less than 28,000 miles.
Let me repeat that: Less than 28k miles.
Internally designated the 993, this “ass-engined Nazi slot car” is the last of the
air cooled
911s. The Paul Atreides of Porsches. And it can be yours. There’s just one catch: I love this car like some people love their kids. Maybe more than some people love their kids. I mean, I’ve seen some people’s bratty kids. But whatever. The point is, I want to make sure the Kwisatz Haderach here is going to a good home. You’re gonna have to make me believe you’ll treat him with respect and get him all his shots and love him and hug him and only use him for good purposes. And by good
purposes
I don’t mean Gom Jabbar-ing him in a bunch of 0-60 tests. The only people who care about 0-60 times are Tesla
fan bois
and
grlz
and Bene Gesserit witches. What I mean by good purposes is: Making you impossible for the classy ladies to resist, like those clear plastic air popper things you get in Amazon packages, or Ryan Gosling, or even me, bruh. I’m middle aged and doughy, and the classy ladies are on me like ants on candy for no other reason than my sweet collection of Carreras. Another good purpose might be getting classy ladies all excited on a drive to Lake Tahoe or up the coast on Highway 1, and just sort of tickling up on that gas pedal with your big toe at 60 mph, and then faster than you can say “Joe Biden’s your uncle,” you’re at 90 mph with a five inch chubby and not even caring about electric cars because screw Teslas and because classy broads dig the smell of premium unleaded gasoline anyway. Am I right? Or amirite? Yeah, I’m right, bruh.
Ask your Mom.
Make me confident that you’ll store Muad’Dib indoors and wax him monthly and drive him at least a few miles each week to keep his
hoses
supple and tires glowing and that you’ll never tailgate on the freeway because something self-righteous might come off the back of a Prius and chip the
Caladan
ocean blue paint and also because if someone in a lesser machine — and if you’re looking at this I don’t have to tell you that’s every
other
machine out there — is tailgating, and you need to stop quick, there are very few cars on the road that can stop as quickly as Paul Atreides here and when they can’t stop, they’re gonna hunter-seeker him from behind.
Speaking of behinds, Muad’Dib comes with seat warmers for yours on those cooler days when you’re driving around and dropping panties. And speaking of dropping panties, back in 1999, the original version of the Hitachi Magic Wand was engineered to exactly mimic the frequency and vibration a classy lady might feel in the passenger seat of a 993. I don’t know if it was this exact 993 per se, but whatever. True story. Google it.
Also, and in spite of the seat warmers, this car is not for babies or whiners or complainers. This car is mechanically and cosmetically very good, and you must commit to keeping it that way. You also need to internalize that even though this car is a panty dropper — on a side note, I think all the
panties
have been removed by this point during the detailing, but am not 100% sure — it isn’t all panty-dropper all the time. The Kwisatz Haderach will kill you if you do not respect him. It’s not as prone to oversteer as earlier Carreras but the weight in the back reminds me of that time I saw Kim Kardashian standing up on a too-fast merry-go-round. Be prepared to take a course on how to drive safely if you haven’t already. And never take this car to the track. Ever. If I find out you’ve taken it to the track or modified it from stock, I will shove my absurdly well polished Allen Edmonds oxfords so far up your butt you’ll taste kiwi until you die.
If you’ve gotten this far and your loins are all tingly-warm, Muad’Dib is being sold under consignment by my friend Kevin, who if your options haven’t vested, can help with financing. Just reply to this ad and we’ll set up some time for you to take a look, sniff the seats, listen to it start up, smell the exhaust, and
lick
the steering wheel or whatever it is you need to do for your testicles descend. If you only smoke cigarettes after sex, I’ll throw in a carton of Parliament Lights. Should last through your first week.
Not My Ad. Not My Car.
http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/cto/5892287678.html
LongbowMkII
> windadvisory
12/03/2016 at 12:56 |
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I’ll give you $87
Textured Soy Protein
> windadvisory
12/03/2016 at 13:01 |
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Someone could write a pretty decent college sociology paper on why it is that all of these “oh look at my epically long craigslist car ad” ads are potentially but not necessarily ironically sexist.
sm70- why not Duesenberg?
> windadvisory
12/03/2016 at 13:01 |
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Were it not for the picture and the link I don’t know if I would’ve been able to discern that this post was about a Porsche for sale. Very cleverly written though, and a beautiful car.
My bird IS the word
> windadvisory
12/03/2016 at 13:07 |
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TBH I would still get a new 911. If I bought this generation I want one with a turbo bodykit or something similar. regular bumpers aren’t doing it for me.
CalzoneGolem
> windadvisory
12/03/2016 at 13:43 |
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So, does this mean that this a boy Porsche and all the others are girls?
V8Demon - Prefers Autos for drag racing. Fite me!
> windadvisory
12/03/2016 at 13:54 |
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Is the first water-cooled 911 the God Emporor then?
Spoiler alert: Paul loses his eyes....
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V8Demon - Prefers Autos for drag racing. Fite me!
> CalzoneGolem
12/03/2016 at 13:56 |
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Only the preceding ones. Any that follow could be either.
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windadvisory
> CalzoneGolem
12/03/2016 at 15:22 |
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The author would like you to think so. Unfortunately, this is a Porsche “Bitch Basket”cabriolet. Driving a drop top like this means relinquishing your man card. PERMANTLY .
Joel Ness
> windadvisory
12/03/2016 at 15:47 |
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I approve of the frank herbert inspired imagery.
ivnic8
> windadvisory
12/03/2016 at 21:02 |
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http://bringatrailer.com/listing/1996-porsche-993-2/
This is my car. If you know anyone that might be interested, please point them to the auction. The car is in great shape for the age and mileage.
As for the CL link, the mileage is great (except these cars need to be driven to keep components from deteriorating).